Monday, May 2, 2011


(Venus of Willendorf, Naturhistorisches Museum, Vienna, Austria, 25,000 BC)

This tiny lady captured my heart the minute I saw a printed reproduction of her hundreds of years ago.

Who in the world is this creature?

The Venus of Willendorf - also known as the "Woman of Willendorf" - is believed to be an ancient fertility symbol.

How do we know?

Well, for starters certain parts of her feminine anatomy are voluminous.

All the better to nourish those pesky Paleolithic offspring!

Secondly, her bulging tummy tells us that she has been busy giving birth to numerous babies.

This is a mom who is 25,000 years old - give or take a few thousand years.

Do you seriously believe she is worried about a few stretch marks on her belly?

I don't think so.

In fact, she has decided to boldly face the world in absolutely nothing but her birthday suit!

Talk about a girl who knows who she is!

Do you think Venus is making herself crazy running back and forth to the dermatologist for yet another Botox injection?

Of course not!

Her superior brain allows her to be cleverly creative on that front.

Venus has come up with the ultimate solution for disguising those troublesome worry lines.

She simply covers her forehead with circular horizontal bands of what else?

Braided hair!

Problem solved.

This beauty is a fully intact female figurine made of oolitic limestone.

Archeologists believe that she was originally coated with a thick layer of red ochre.

I like this girl's style!

Back in the day, she was not afraid to step out in a bright red dress!

As you can see, Venus is missing some vital appendages.

She has no feet.

And her hands are missing.

Oh, well.

So she's not perfect.

Who is?

These impediments don't hold this woman back from fulfilling her personal mission in life.

Venus stands 4.3 inches in height.

That's right - 4.3 inches!!!

That tall blond with the swinging ponytail - her name rhymes with "smarmie" - who lives at Target, Wal-Mart and a million other toy stores, towers over her by nearly eight inches!

Do you really think Venus allows herself to be intimidated by that bubble-headed floozie?

No, she does not!

She's the ultimate domestic goddess who is busy managing 12 gazillion mom-related projects.

Like presiding over her luxurious mansion at the Naturhistorisches Museum in Vienna.

The Bobster and I stopped by to say "hello" a few weeks ago.

Venus was standing in her glass enclosed solarium when we first laid eyes on her.

She was catching some powerful rays from the spotlight that highlighted her every feature.

(I guess you never outgrow your need to tan.)

Let me tell you this:

We could not believe the stunning condition of this woman's body.

There were three chisel-like gouges on the front of her ample form.

But then what would you expect from a gal her age?

You would think there might be some visible scratches as well.


Not even a tiny trace!

Please........don't get me started on her lovely mansion.

(The "Venus of Tennessee" standing outside the mansion.)

This thing is constructed of the finest Viennese hardwoods - stained deep cherry red and polished smooth like silky "butta."

Her house is at least ten feet tall and it's approximately nine feet wide.

Not too shabby for a woman who stands a smidge over four inches.

Burnished gold letters spell "Venus von Willendorf" over the pediment portion of her manse.

All of these upscale features were gifted to her by the Austrian government.

The rest of us should be so lucky!

(Check out that classy ceiling in the "sky" outside the home of Venus!)

You may be interested to know that Venus has installed two niches in the north wall of her home.

Two equally ancient fertility statues reside in these niches.

I'll be kind and say that these mother earth figures haven't fared as well as Venus has in the arena of physical beauty.

In fact, they look beaten down, beaten up and just plain overwrought with the vagaries of time.

(Venuses II and III of Willendorf)

In comparison, Venus is a glowing, tightly wound bundle of gorgeousness!


I'm sure it's just an accident that these particular earth mothers have been invited to live at the Willendorf mansion.

Then again.......

well, we all battle that monster called pride every day of our lives.

Why should Venus be any different?

1 comment:

  1. There is something uncomfortably familiar about her shape.